I
found the hardest part about raising my special-needs child, who was also extremely difficult, was not dealing with him, but dealing with outside people.
Simply put, others did not understand. Because Devon was not physically challenged, they saw a bright, charming and smart kid with behavioral issues. So of course if they didn't know his back story, they looked at me and my husband askew.
Turn on any talk show, especially when he was growing up in the mid nineties, and the hot issue was parents and kids. It still is, but talk shows were new, and they could consistently get ratings with family issues, especially with kids. The parents were constantly, blamed and judged. They were always made to be wrong.
Growing up, our son Devon was emotionally challenged diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, ADD, Bi-polar and opposition ally defiant. When we adopted him at age 3, he had been in three different homes and was physically and sexually abused. He was born with PCP and Cocaine in his system. I wrote about our story in my memoir "A Mother's Journey: Finding Inner Peace Raising a Difficult Child."
So, most of my time, and my husband's time, was correcting teachers, mental health professionals, family, friends and others who all had a strong opinions of what we should be doing to help Devon.
Some looked at us as their "case," and they were going to try to save us. However, dealing with Devon, as an one-child psychiatrist told us after weeks of evaluation, "Was like dealing with a ghost." His behaviors couldn't be charted or predicted.
Walter said when dealing with Devon and trying to help him that "Devon remained the same, but the people changed."
He was so right.
And, when people had opinions and they didn't work. You could see them back away. It never failed. We went from "slacking" parents in their eyes to angels. We often heard the same phrase, "How could you deal with him? You guys are angels."
Walter (my husband) and I didn't accept the "Angel" compliment. For one thing, we didn't feel we were special. We simply were going through hell with our child, which is what any caring parent would do. We saw our son as a loving kid, which he was, who had terrible injustices done to him at an early age, and who saw the world as the enemy who he had to fight and manipulate.
We dealt with an army of people relating to helping Devon. Looking back now, I see my life would have been much easier if I had been more accepting of their judgements, even if they were wrong, which was most of the time. Some even said horrible things to us which we should do with Devon, including, giving him up.
We couldn't do that.
Today, he is a self-sufficient, happy young man, having served his time in the U.S. Marines, and just finished his first degree at a Criminal Justice school, where he works.
So how do you deal with people who simply don't understand?
You don't. You deal with your own feelings, without fighting them. You need all of your strength just to raise a special-needs child. Besides, people are seeing life through their own colored lens, and you can't stop them from having their opinions, but you can stop them from making your life miserable.
It took me years of spiritual searching to learn what I am about to tell you to make your life so much easier. This blog is dedicated to this principle. Living in the moment (Mindfulness). Living in truth.
When someone says something that aggravates you, instead of resisting them. Go inside and feel the sensation. Usually it will be in your chest, or stomach. On the other hand, you may notice your whole body tense.
This is a normal reaction. We resist what we don't want. However, this blog is about stepping into freedom, and resisting is simply holding what you don't want in place.
What advice is usually given, is to forgive and love those people. It's definitely important to do that just to free yourself from toxic emotions. However, it can be difficult to do that right away.
Try this:
Allow those feelings inside of you to come up. Don't worry. Your head won't blow off, as you may expect. Releasing that energy, (thoughts and emotions are just energy), by putting your attention on inner sensations, gives you a spacious to deal with others with wisdom instead of anger. Usually we say things we want to take back when we react to their outlandish and hurtful comments. And, when you resist, you are holding onto anger and frustration.
Just observe what is going on inside of you.
It's important, not to judge or criticize what you are witnessing inside. Don't try to interpret what you are feeling. Just "see" with your inner eyes what you are feeling. Is it a dull ache? Trembling? Movement? Does it have a color? What is the texture?
Notice how you are holding your body. Are your shoulders up to your ears with tension? Stomach knotted? Just place your attention there. Don't fall into the story of what you are feeling. Just observe.
This is Mindfulness. Being in the moment.
Your thoughts will come back, sometimes with a vengeance, and often, many times. Just stop, see the thoughts coming and going like clouds, and place your attention back on feeling the sensations.
You'll find your body relaxing, and a space opening inside of you. You won't be attached to the anger and frustrations you held onto from others.
This is a skill you can easily develop, which will give you back your power.
You will no longer be on defense with others. And, they will sense your inner peace, which they too want in their lives. You may find them asking you for advice, instead of giving it to you.
found the hardest part about raising my special-needs child, who was also extremely difficult, was not dealing with him, but dealing with outside people.
Simply put, others did not understand. Because Devon was not physically challenged, they saw a bright, charming and smart kid with behavioral issues. So of course if they didn't know his back story, they looked at me and my husband askew.
Turn on any talk show, especially when he was growing up in the mid nineties, and the hot issue was parents and kids. It still is, but talk shows were new, and they could consistently get ratings with family issues, especially with kids. The parents were constantly, blamed and judged. They were always made to be wrong.
Growing up, our son Devon was emotionally challenged diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, ADD, Bi-polar and opposition ally defiant. When we adopted him at age 3, he had been in three different homes and was physically and sexually abused. He was born with PCP and Cocaine in his system. I wrote about our story in my memoir "A Mother's Journey: Finding Inner Peace Raising a Difficult Child."
So, most of my time, and my husband's time, was correcting teachers, mental health professionals, family, friends and others who all had a strong opinions of what we should be doing to help Devon.
Some looked at us as their "case," and they were going to try to save us. However, dealing with Devon, as an one-child psychiatrist told us after weeks of evaluation, "Was like dealing with a ghost." His behaviors couldn't be charted or predicted.
Walter said when dealing with Devon and trying to help him that "Devon remained the same, but the people changed."
He was so right.
And, when people had opinions and they didn't work. You could see them back away. It never failed. We went from "slacking" parents in their eyes to angels. We often heard the same phrase, "How could you deal with him? You guys are angels."
Walter (my husband) and I didn't accept the "Angel" compliment. For one thing, we didn't feel we were special. We simply were going through hell with our child, which is what any caring parent would do. We saw our son as a loving kid, which he was, who had terrible injustices done to him at an early age, and who saw the world as the enemy who he had to fight and manipulate.
We dealt with an army of people relating to helping Devon. Looking back now, I see my life would have been much easier if I had been more accepting of their judgements, even if they were wrong, which was most of the time. Some even said horrible things to us which we should do with Devon, including, giving him up.
We couldn't do that.
Today, he is a self-sufficient, happy young man, having served his time in the U.S. Marines, and just finished his first degree at a Criminal Justice school, where he works.
So how do you deal with people who simply don't understand?
You don't. You deal with your own feelings, without fighting them. You need all of your strength just to raise a special-needs child. Besides, people are seeing life through their own colored lens, and you can't stop them from having their opinions, but you can stop them from making your life miserable.
It took me years of spiritual searching to learn what I am about to tell you to make your life so much easier. This blog is dedicated to this principle. Living in the moment (Mindfulness). Living in truth.
When someone says something that aggravates you, instead of resisting them. Go inside and feel the sensation. Usually it will be in your chest, or stomach. On the other hand, you may notice your whole body tense.
This is a normal reaction. We resist what we don't want. However, this blog is about stepping into freedom, and resisting is simply holding what you don't want in place.
What advice is usually given, is to forgive and love those people. It's definitely important to do that just to free yourself from toxic emotions. However, it can be difficult to do that right away.
Try this:
Allow those feelings inside of you to come up. Don't worry. Your head won't blow off, as you may expect. Releasing that energy, (thoughts and emotions are just energy), by putting your attention on inner sensations, gives you a spacious to deal with others with wisdom instead of anger. Usually we say things we want to take back when we react to their outlandish and hurtful comments. And, when you resist, you are holding onto anger and frustration.
Just observe what is going on inside of you.
It's important, not to judge or criticize what you are witnessing inside. Don't try to interpret what you are feeling. Just "see" with your inner eyes what you are feeling. Is it a dull ache? Trembling? Movement? Does it have a color? What is the texture?
Notice how you are holding your body. Are your shoulders up to your ears with tension? Stomach knotted? Just place your attention there. Don't fall into the story of what you are feeling. Just observe.
This is Mindfulness. Being in the moment.
Your thoughts will come back, sometimes with a vengeance, and often, many times. Just stop, see the thoughts coming and going like clouds, and place your attention back on feeling the sensations.
You'll find your body relaxing, and a space opening inside of you. You won't be attached to the anger and frustrations you held onto from others.
This is a skill you can easily develop, which will give you back your power.
You will no longer be on defense with others. And, they will sense your inner peace, which they too want in their lives. You may find them asking you for advice, instead of giving it to you.
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